All or something.

It has been a year since I created this blog and just under that since I have abandoned it.  I find myself just as fat. I need to reflect...So maybe I got a little fanatic, a little ahead of myself.  The reality is that I have no desire to quit eating sugar.   I love cooking, I love sharing food with other people.  Life is too short to miss out on the occasional pleasure of an animal cracker.  However, life is too short to make it even shorter.  No more being crazy about eating.  Let's just try being reasonable.
"Oh, you mean eating one donut is enough?"
Yes. It is.

Nuts Landing

I need to take a break from my steps right now.  I am going nuts.  I need a breather.  Today is officially two weeks sugar free- it feels like an eternity.  I have found enjoyment by living vicariously through others.  I figure if I can't eat it, I may as well help other people enjoy it.  


"Hold out your hand!"  Squirt.  Mmmm.
"Now the other one!"  Squirt.  Mmmm.  
I take pure enjoyment as I spray that can of whipped cream into my niece's little hand.  Am I being a great aunt or just passing on my addiction to the next generation?!  I am going to stick with best aunt ever.  


It was after this that I had a breakdown; where I thought I was going to cave in.  I have the text messages in front of me as evidence to myself that I am nuts. 

I want to eat sugar again.
I only live once! Why should I be deprived of what I really like!?


Surprisingly, it was this blog experience that kept me from making out with the nozzle of the whipped cream can.  I now have a large group of people to which I have made myself accountable.  People who will say "hey, what happened, I thought you weren't eating sugar?".  I hate and love you all at the same time.


As they say on Intervention  "Secrets keep people sick".  My secret is out to you all.  I am getting well.

I am sorry for all my chocolate with all my heart

Dear Me,

I am writing this letter today to ask for your forgiveness.  I know that there have been many times when I chose my addiction over you.  I know there have been times when I drove past and skipped out on my Weight Watches meeting to get to Friendly's. I know that I have made it unbearable to fit into any clothes that are not made of at least 40% spandex.  But that was the old me.  I am turning the page and would like you to be able to forgive me and put it in the past.  But, do not forget they things I did wrong.  When I go to do them again, please remind me that I deserve more and that you deserve more.  You deserve the best you that you can be.  The best I can be is to get rid of this weight from the sugar that has been dragging me down.

Sincerely,

Me

As I get further into these steps, it becomes increasingly harder to find the fun in my addiction.  Was it ever fun?

Step 9:  

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Right to the Point.

Me. 

Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed through our addiction, and became willing to make amends to them all

Riding that train...high on cupcakes

Take a deep inhale through your nose, nice and sharp.  It travels up through your nose and then there is that moment.  The moment when it hits that back of your throat and you can taste it- every last granular piece of heaven.  It has been 9 days since my last hit and my senses are heightened.  

Cocaine? No.  Although, I have heard it described in the exact same way.  Coincidence, I think not.

I was sitting in the lunch room, with my boring sugar free lunch and my tasteless water.  I didn't even see it coming.  There was a tupperware in front of my that I didn't dare open. I knew if someone abandoned it here it was because they were trying to pass off their problems onto everyone else at the table.  Unfortunately, the woman next to me thought differently and opened it.  It was at that moment that the air wafted over and hit every sensor in my nose.  It was cupcakes.  You could have blindfolded me and I would have known the aroma of that my little pony pink frosting anywhere.  The scent traveled through my nose and knew right where to hit me next- right in the back of the throat, right where it could be morphed into some semblance of taste.  It feels so good, it has been so long.  

I was able to hold off long enough for the people at the table who are able to eat just one of these and move on with their day to grab their fill and leave nothing behind.  But, not everyday will there be these people around me.  Not every day will I have a good friend by my side to say 'but look how far you've come'.  I need to get the temptation away from me.  I need to move the tupperware to another table so people can go get their own without me having to go through that pain of fighting the urge.  Just get it out of my face!

It's time to ask everyone I love to help me move the tupperware.

  

Step 7:  Humbly ask to remove our shortcomings.

On your mark, get set...go on Monday...

I'll start Monday.  This has been said so many times that I think it qualifies as a mantra.  

"I have a wedding this weekend, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

"I have a busy week this week, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

"It looks cloudy out, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

This is the longest week ever; 40 pounds and 100 gallons of Chunky Monkey later I am still waiting for Monday.

It's Thursday, Monday is too far away.  I am ready today.

I am ready to hand over my maternity clothes that I have been wearing for a year without being pregnant.

I am ready to hand over the stretch pants that serve as both pajamas and formal wear.

I am ready to hand over the layer of fat on my abdomen and not see my stomach sticking out past my chest.

I am ready to hand over the idea that weighing what a "Biggest Loser" contestant at the end of the season weighs is a good thing.

I am ready to hand over my sadness.

I am ready to be comfortable in my own skin.

Forget Monday.  Today.

Step 6: We're entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.

Sunday, Sunday, Sundae!

I used to be able to find the humor in my addiction.  Taking 'fat girl' trips to the donut shop with my other addict friends and for Sunday sundaes and Monday sundaes and Tuesday sundaes...you get the point.  But the thing is that I would laugh when I said it.  I would think that it was funny that I needed my sugar fix.  Somehow, it isn't funny anymore.  
The thing I am having trouble with is that the one thing that always made me feel so bad is what always made me feel so much better.  Unfortunately, now I am going to have Bryan Adams in my head all day singing "Hurts so  Good"...but it does.  The sugar makes me depressed (as does Bryan Adams), its a scientific fact.  So when I got depressed, what do I do?  Eat more sugar.  I loved the taste, the texture...that is, I loved it when I slowed down enough to even taste it.  
I noticed that this was really a problem when I was telling myself how much I loved eating it, but I was eating it so fast that I couldn't even taste it.  This is what told me that this was something different.  The 'fat girl' trips and the everyday sundaes were definitely not fun or funny anymore.  All of a sudden there was no one laughing with me...because I was doing it alone.  
As a teacher, I always tell me students that if you need to keep looking at me to see if you are doing something wrong, then you probably are.  This time, I needed to take my own advice- when you are sitting in the car, in your house, in your empty classroom and hoping no one comes in and sees you eating your 7th cookie in a row as a dessert to the Twinkie you had for lunch, then you are doing something wrong.


Step 5: Admit to ourselves and to other human beings the exact nature of our wrongs.