Nuts Landing

I need to take a break from my steps right now.  I am going nuts.  I need a breather.  Today is officially two weeks sugar free- it feels like an eternity.  I have found enjoyment by living vicariously through others.  I figure if I can't eat it, I may as well help other people enjoy it.  


"Hold out your hand!"  Squirt.  Mmmm.
"Now the other one!"  Squirt.  Mmmm.  
I take pure enjoyment as I spray that can of whipped cream into my niece's little hand.  Am I being a great aunt or just passing on my addiction to the next generation?!  I am going to stick with best aunt ever.  


It was after this that I had a breakdown; where I thought I was going to cave in.  I have the text messages in front of me as evidence to myself that I am nuts. 

I want to eat sugar again.
I only live once! Why should I be deprived of what I really like!?


Surprisingly, it was this blog experience that kept me from making out with the nozzle of the whipped cream can.  I now have a large group of people to which I have made myself accountable.  People who will say "hey, what happened, I thought you weren't eating sugar?".  I hate and love you all at the same time.


As they say on Intervention  "Secrets keep people sick".  My secret is out to you all.  I am getting well.

I am sorry for all my chocolate with all my heart

Dear Me,

I am writing this letter today to ask for your forgiveness.  I know that there have been many times when I chose my addiction over you.  I know there have been times when I drove past and skipped out on my Weight Watches meeting to get to Friendly's. I know that I have made it unbearable to fit into any clothes that are not made of at least 40% spandex.  But that was the old me.  I am turning the page and would like you to be able to forgive me and put it in the past.  But, do not forget they things I did wrong.  When I go to do them again, please remind me that I deserve more and that you deserve more.  You deserve the best you that you can be.  The best I can be is to get rid of this weight from the sugar that has been dragging me down.

Sincerely,

Me

As I get further into these steps, it becomes increasingly harder to find the fun in my addiction.  Was it ever fun?

Step 9:  

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Right to the Point.

Me. 

Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we had harmed through our addiction, and became willing to make amends to them all

Riding that train...high on cupcakes

Take a deep inhale through your nose, nice and sharp.  It travels up through your nose and then there is that moment.  The moment when it hits that back of your throat and you can taste it- every last granular piece of heaven.  It has been 9 days since my last hit and my senses are heightened.  

Cocaine? No.  Although, I have heard it described in the exact same way.  Coincidence, I think not.

I was sitting in the lunch room, with my boring sugar free lunch and my tasteless water.  I didn't even see it coming.  There was a tupperware in front of my that I didn't dare open. I knew if someone abandoned it here it was because they were trying to pass off their problems onto everyone else at the table.  Unfortunately, the woman next to me thought differently and opened it.  It was at that moment that the air wafted over and hit every sensor in my nose.  It was cupcakes.  You could have blindfolded me and I would have known the aroma of that my little pony pink frosting anywhere.  The scent traveled through my nose and knew right where to hit me next- right in the back of the throat, right where it could be morphed into some semblance of taste.  It feels so good, it has been so long.  

I was able to hold off long enough for the people at the table who are able to eat just one of these and move on with their day to grab their fill and leave nothing behind.  But, not everyday will there be these people around me.  Not every day will I have a good friend by my side to say 'but look how far you've come'.  I need to get the temptation away from me.  I need to move the tupperware to another table so people can go get their own without me having to go through that pain of fighting the urge.  Just get it out of my face!

It's time to ask everyone I love to help me move the tupperware.

  

Step 7:  Humbly ask to remove our shortcomings.

On your mark, get set...go on Monday...

I'll start Monday.  This has been said so many times that I think it qualifies as a mantra.  

"I have a wedding this weekend, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

"I have a busy week this week, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

"It looks cloudy out, I will start taking care of myself on Monday"

This is the longest week ever; 40 pounds and 100 gallons of Chunky Monkey later I am still waiting for Monday.

It's Thursday, Monday is too far away.  I am ready today.

I am ready to hand over my maternity clothes that I have been wearing for a year without being pregnant.

I am ready to hand over the stretch pants that serve as both pajamas and formal wear.

I am ready to hand over the layer of fat on my abdomen and not see my stomach sticking out past my chest.

I am ready to hand over the idea that weighing what a "Biggest Loser" contestant at the end of the season weighs is a good thing.

I am ready to hand over my sadness.

I am ready to be comfortable in my own skin.

Forget Monday.  Today.

Step 6: We're entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.

Sunday, Sunday, Sundae!

I used to be able to find the humor in my addiction.  Taking 'fat girl' trips to the donut shop with my other addict friends and for Sunday sundaes and Monday sundaes and Tuesday sundaes...you get the point.  But the thing is that I would laugh when I said it.  I would think that it was funny that I needed my sugar fix.  Somehow, it isn't funny anymore.  
The thing I am having trouble with is that the one thing that always made me feel so bad is what always made me feel so much better.  Unfortunately, now I am going to have Bryan Adams in my head all day singing "Hurts so  Good"...but it does.  The sugar makes me depressed (as does Bryan Adams), its a scientific fact.  So when I got depressed, what do I do?  Eat more sugar.  I loved the taste, the texture...that is, I loved it when I slowed down enough to even taste it.  
I noticed that this was really a problem when I was telling myself how much I loved eating it, but I was eating it so fast that I couldn't even taste it.  This is what told me that this was something different.  The 'fat girl' trips and the everyday sundaes were definitely not fun or funny anymore.  All of a sudden there was no one laughing with me...because I was doing it alone.  
As a teacher, I always tell me students that if you need to keep looking at me to see if you are doing something wrong, then you probably are.  This time, I needed to take my own advice- when you are sitting in the car, in your house, in your empty classroom and hoping no one comes in and sees you eating your 7th cookie in a row as a dessert to the Twinkie you had for lunch, then you are doing something wrong.


Step 5: Admit to ourselves and to other human beings the exact nature of our wrongs.

It's in the bag...and everywhere else

After nearly a week of sobriety from my sugar high I think I am doing pretty well.  Standing on my own two feet.  Being strong.  


Just don't look in my purse.


Hershey Kisses, a big 'ol bag?  Check.
Chocolate bar wrapper, empty?  Check.
Little chocolate square that is the last of the entire box that I already ate?  Check


Or the fridge.


Ice cream cake in the freezer?  Check.
Thats about all that's in the fridge.  Make no mistake that the night before I quit I made sure that I ate everything in there.  It was my 512th 'last binge'.  I hope it was the 'last last binge'.


I knew that all of these things were in there when I decided to quit and have seen them in there every day since.  But why did I keep them?  Visions of the starving children of of the world that I was told were waiting for my peas and broccoli as a kid begin to flash in my head.  Really? Am I really saving them in case  the Army needs extra food stuffs for a drop?  No.  


This is not good...not good at all.  Time to clean house...and purse...ok and maybe my desk drawer at work...  



Step 4:
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Relapse...well, almost

When you have a little one in tow, it is very rare that you go  out to eat.  It is just way too much effort.  I think that my few days of sugar-free BS lead me to believe that I had the energy to take this one on. 
 We sit down, we prep ourselves for the worst case scenario.  Each parent armed with a pacifier, food, and a bag full of toys to exchange out with every 1 year old ADD minute that passes.  Ok, we are doing it.  So far so good!  
I was so focused on this zone action strategy that I didn't see what was coming next.  It was not the little boy across the table I needed to worry about.  It was the the little flap across the menu from the appetizers and salads.  There it was, in all its glory...the dessert menu.  
Let the rationalization games begin!!    It's Mother's Day, I deserve this.  I only live once, I deserve this.  I haven't had sugar in 4 days, way to go!  I deserve this.
Little did I know that what I thought would be the downfall of the public lunch, was what saved me.  I got so distracted by the pleas of "Let me get out of my seat Mommy!" that I, for once in my life, forgot about the dessert.  I've got my dessert right here, tugging at my leg.
Happy Mother's day to my mom and to all moms.


Step 3:
 Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand Him...I understand him as a pint-sized man holding a tonka truck with the ability to make me do whatever he wants me to.

The cake, the whole cake, and nothing but the cake.

Open the refrigerator.  Milk for the baby, corned beef and cabbage the is probably going to get up and walk out on its own in a day or two, ketchup.  Nothing good.  Well, the ketchup is sweet...but, no. Close it.  

Open the refrigerator.  Milk for the baby, corned beef and cabbage the is probably going to get up and walk out on its own in a day or two, ketchup.  Nothing good.  Well, the ketchup is sweet...but, no. Close it.

Open the refrigerator.  Milk for the baby, corned beef and cabbage the is probably going to get up and walk out on its own in a day or two, ketchup.  Nothing good.  Well, the ketchup is sweet...but, no. Close it.

I guess I need a note on there that tells me "If you didn't go shopping, nothing in here has changed...move on, idiot."

     insanity |inˈsanitē|     noun    1the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness  (YUP)   2extreme foolishness or irrationality  (YUP)

After checking the fridge 7 times and checking the cabinets about twice that many, I finally admitted defeat and threw myself on the couch, blending in with the lumps.   It was then that I had my moment of enlightenment!  In the cabinets I had caught a glimpse of something, something that only now is coming together in my head.  Yes! Yes! Yes!!!  I have everything that I need in order to make chocolate cake, t least I think so.  I don't care for baking, I am actually pretty bad at it- but if this could get me my fix, I'd do it.  

Fast forward...well not too fast too far...the bowls from the batter are clean as I put them into the dishwasher...clean of batter anyways...the remains of a few crumbs can be found on the counter and the floor...ok, maybe just the floor...ok, no crumbs...

I ate it.  All of it.  Deal with it.

Step 2: Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Check.

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of gummy bears

The first step is admitting you have a problem.  Judging by the empty wrappers and semi-melted tootsie rolls that are stuck to old pennies in my pocket, I think that's clear.  But what is the first step, really?  This isn't about another diet.  It is actually about quitting and kicking the sugar habit before I am melting it in a spoon with a low grade fever in a dark corner of the basement.  So, I figured that I would 12 step myself according to the classic 12 step program.  This is in no way a funny poke at the millions who have done this program themselves, I really want to know how to quit!

Step 1:

Admit we were powerless over the addiction —that our lives had become unmanageable.

Check.

A new day has dawned...

When you feel like, at any moment, there could be a camera man sitting in the passenger seat of your car filming you as you shovel food into your mouth like it is a landfill and you know that it will soon be featured on Intervention, that is when you know it is time.

Sugar.  I am completely addicted.  I never thought that it was actually a problem, I just really liked sweets.  Who would think that it is a problem, no matter where you go- everyone is doing it.  But it wasn't until now, that I realized that they weren't doing it like me. I actually don't think I was 'doing it like me' until just recently when I needed to control everything else in my life.  Yes, I said control...it isn't a lack of control in my life that led me to this point, it is too much control that needed an escape route.  That route was any sugary substance I could get my hands on.

Where did this need for control come from?  In the past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life, great changes.  A new baby, a new home and a new job.  They say these are some of the most stressful things you will ever do in your life, so I decided to bang them all out in one big tsunami.  Although these changes were positive ones, with them brought a whole new load of responsibilities and a need for some serious control.  The baby was on the move- control the environment.  The mortgage needed to get paid- control the finances.  The job is on a trial basis- control every move you make all day!  I was trapped in a balloon of control and just wanted someone to open the knot.  That knot was opened and in came the sugar.  It was the one thing that I was allowing myself, subconsciously, to not have to control.

It started off just fine...you know one a day, just when I drink, just when I am out with friends.  but before I knew it...there is that damn camera guy in the passenger seat as I do a line of peeps.