I used to be able to find the humor in my addiction. Taking 'fat girl' trips to the donut shop with my other addict friends and for Sunday sundaes and Monday sundaes and Tuesday sundaes...you get the point. But the thing is that I would laugh when I said it. I would think that it was funny that I needed my sugar fix. Somehow, it isn't funny anymore.
The thing I am having trouble with is that the one thing that always made me feel so bad is what always made me feel so much better. Unfortunately, now I am going to have Bryan Adams in my head all day singing "Hurts so Good"...but it does. The sugar makes me depressed (as does Bryan Adams), its a scientific fact. So when I got depressed, what do I do? Eat more sugar. I loved the taste, the texture...that is, I loved it when I slowed down enough to even taste it.
I noticed that this was really a problem when I was telling myself how much I loved eating it, but I was eating it so fast that I couldn't even taste it. This is what told me that this was something different. The 'fat girl' trips and the everyday sundaes were definitely not fun or funny anymore. All of a sudden there was no one laughing with me...because I was doing it alone.
As a teacher, I always tell me students that if you need to keep looking at me to see if you are doing something wrong, then you probably are. This time, I needed to take my own advice- when you are sitting in the car, in your house, in your empty classroom and hoping no one comes in and sees you eating your 7th cookie in a row as a dessert to the Twinkie you had for lunch, then you are doing something wrong.
Step 5: Admit to ourselves and to other human beings the exact nature of our wrongs.
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